Minutes Per Heartbeat
by LawliPop
Summary: With the diagnosis, Suzaku thinks his life is over. It takes the reappearance of a childhood friend to teach him there is still so much to live for. "Those are just words on paper, don't let them control you. Only you can define who you are." / SuzaLulu. For troublecake.
1. On Melancholy Hill

_Lawli: Just when I say I'm finished writing fanfiction, I get bitten by another idea-bug. Or rather in this case, I have one given to me. **Troublecake** PMed me a little over a month ago with a request for a CG fic in a hospital setting. Of course there were more details than just that (all of which I found too delicious to say no to) but I obviously won't spoil them in the very first chapter. I've always wanted to write something along these lines, due to my own extensive medical history and the amount of time I've spent in hospitals myself, so when given this idea I could not get it out of my head. _

_This story will be very much in the same vein as my last fic, 'Back to You'. Not with all the vengeful Lelouch, but certainly with the drama, and also in the way the story is told between flashbacks and present-day encounters. _

_I want to give a warning in advance that I am not a doctor. Any medical knowledge I have pertains to my cancer and the experiences I had - most of which this story doesn't deal with. That being said, I'm doing my research with this story because I want it to be as factual and realistic as possible (thus it can be more heartbreaking, because I am an angst whore ;) ). If you notice that I DO get anything wrong, and I'm sure I will, please point it out to me so I can fix it. _

_That being said... please enjoy!_

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_**Minutes Per Heartbeat**_

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_**On Melancholy Hill  
**__"Are you here with me?  
__Just looking out the day of another dream."_

_To be honest, he's a little scared of Lelouch at first. Not of Lelouch himself – the boy's way too skinny to be healthy, the wind can probably blow him over, so he's hardly intimidating. The wheelchair, however, is. It makes Suzaku wary to approach, afraid of touching him or even breathing too hard and breaking him._

_Lelouch doesn't appreciate it. Whenever he catches Suzaku's worried green eyes on him – such as now – he clenches his left fist and snaps, "what?"_

_And like always, Suzaku flushes guiltily, knowing he's been caught but shaking his head to deny it anyways._

"_Nothing!"_

"_Is there something wrong with my chair?"_

"_No! I just—"_

_But Lelouch never gives him a chance to explain himself. He huffs and says, "staring is rude," and presses the control stick of the wheelchair so that he doesn't have to face Suzaku anymore. _

_Suzaku fights for a short while against the mixed emotions gnawing away at him: the feeling that he should just leave Lelouch alone, and the much greater desire to get closer to him (maybe it's the unique color of his eyes, or the delicate wrists, or the fact that he seems to want absolutely nothing to do with anyone, especially Suzaku, but Suzaku has always been drawn to him). He chews on the inside of his cheek, and when he finally builds up the courage he runs out of the classroom after Lelouch._

"_Are you okay?" It's a stupid question, really. Lelouch is in a wheelchair; he is obviously not okay. But it's the only thing he can think of to ask, and Suzaku feels it's a legitimate question because on Friday Lelouch had been playing on the swing set, perfectly fine. "It's just... I mean, last week you were walking and everything, so… Um. Did something happen?"_

_Lelouch's eyes narrow on him, studying his face. Suzaku feels his ears burning under the attention and resists the urge to duck his head. Lelouch is his age, but he seems so much older; it's unnerving how intense his eyes are._

"_It's none of your business."_

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**This chapter's music:**

**"On Melancholy Hill" - Gorillaz **


	2. Roads Untraveled

_Lawli: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited and followed the first chapter. Sorry it was more of a teaser chapter more than anything, but I did say in advance it would be very fragmented chapters, the same as in 'Back to You'. Kind of all little puzzle pieces that make the bigger picture. What I am hoping to do with this story that I didn't do much of in BtY is introduce more CG characters. We'll see if that actually happens... lol_

_This chapter skips to the present day, Suzaku's POV. Enjoy~_

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_**Minutes Per Heartbeat**_

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**_II.  
Roads Untraveled  
_**_"Cause beyond ever bend is a long, blinding end  
__It's the worst kind of pain I've known."_

Suzaku sits hunched in the plastic chair, head buried in the palms of his hands. Illuminated before him in black and white is his latest chest X-ray, and beside it a doctor clinically explaining the buildup of fluid in the myocardium. The words are lost on Suzaku. Anatomy and Physiology is a senior-level class at his high school, something he won't get to take for another year, so none of what he is being told actually registers.

_It's the heart_, some little part of him seems to understand through the gestures the doctor makes_. The fluids around your heart._

He'd come in for an exam complaining of fatigue and shortness of breath. At first he brushed the symptoms off as nothing more than working out too much. With football season underway he was out in the sun training almost every afternoon – but after he collapsed on the field in the middle of Monday's practice he knew it had to be something more than that. Perhaps only stress and overtaxing his body – he's spent the whole summer relaxing by the beach, he's certainly not in the best of shape - but a doctor's opinion can't be a bad one to have.

"Any family history of heart disease, heart attacks, diabetes?"

Suzaku opens his mouth but no words come out. The doctor gives him a sympathetic look. "I know it's a lot all at once," she says. "I wouldn't label yours a serious case of pulmonary edema, so you don't have anything to worry about. We just need to rule out all the possibilities so we can see if there's anything else at work."

Suzaku nods. He understands – not all the fancy medical language, but the fact that it's a legal issue. The doctor needs to cover all her bases, lest it is a real problem and Suzaku has cause to sue for not being taken seriously.

"I don't know. My mom died when I was just a kid and my dad..." His voice trails off as something flashes across his mind: a room with the curtains drawn, his father lying in a pool of his own blood with a knife and his wedding band clasped in his stiff hands. _It's not my fault._ "He's not around." He wasn't even when he was alive. _It's not my fault._

The doctor doesn't say anything at first. The pity in her eyes makes Suzaku squirm uncomfortably. He's afraid she might call someone – child services or something, try to get in contact with the old orphanage, not that they can do anything since he's legally allowed to be on his own.

"I'm going to order an ECG and echocardiogram. That should give us a clearer picture of what's going on inside. But for now," she pins Suzaku with a serious look and he straightens in his chair, "I want you to promise to take it easy. That means no more football for a while, I'm afraid."

Suzaku immediately protests. "I can't just quit," he says, and he's on his feet, shaking his head at the very idea. "We have our Homecoming game—"

"Mr. Kururugi... Especially without the guidance of your parents it is imperative you look after your health." She's gathering his file, taking the X-ray down from the board. "This is nothing permanent. Just until we get the results from your tests. Hopefully everything will turn out normal and you'll still be able to play at the Homecoming game, but until we know for sure I want you off the field."

With a heavy sigh, Suzaku nods and sinks back into the chair.

Neither of them says anything while the doctor fills out his script.

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This chapter's music:

"Roads Untraveled" - Linkin Park


	3. Lover is Childlike

_Lawli: Thanks for reading~_

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_**Minutes Per Heartbeat**_

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**_III.  
Lover is Childlike  
_**_"She don't ask me no questions  
Cause I dont cry no wolf."_

_The ravine behind Lelouch's house is where they spend most of their time, wiling through the summer days with explorative walks down the winding trail – often taking detours through the thicket (much to Lelouch's protests). One afternoon Suzaku pulls him to a fallen elm, the victim of the previous night's lightening storm. Lelouch stares at the blackened stump with an unreadable expression as Suzaku tests the fallen stump for stability. _

_"It's sad," Lelouch says, as Suzaku hoists himself up on the trunk._

_Suzaku turns to look back at him. "What is?"_

_Lelouch holds his gaze for a long moment with those too-intense eyes before nodding to the tree. "Just yesterday this was alive, a sign of strength. This tree's probably been here hundreds of years, and now..." His voice trails off._

_Suzaku frowns. He crouches down and places his hands on the trunk, feels the scrape of the bark against his palms and then the smoothness of moss growing on the underside of a close branch. "It's still alive," he finally says. "Maybe not in the same way, but look! It's full of life!"_

_Lelouch does look. Rests his hands on the trunk as well and watches the wind rustle through the still-green leaves. Looks closer and sees little bugs crawling over the bark, searching for food or home on this surface that is in every way the same and different as before the lightening storm._

_A ladybug climbs over his ring finger. Lelouch pulls his hand away and examines it. He feels Suzaku come to stand behind him. "It's not the same," he says, going back to his earlier point. _

_Suzaku reaches around and touches his fingertips to Lelouch's. The ladybug crawls over their nails and into the palm of Suzaku's hand before opening its wings and buzzing off. He smiles. "Does it have to be?"_

_Before Lelouch can argue Suzaku hoists him up onto the trunk with him. Lelouch gasps and grips the hands around his waist._

_Suzaku laughs. "Now it's a bridge," he says, taking Lelouch's hand and leading them over the small stream the elm has fallen over. It had always been too wide to jump over, until now. "You've always wanted to see the other side, right?"_

_"Suzaku..." Lelouch's cheeks flush an attractive shade of pink. "I'm pretty sure it's private property."_

_Suzaku shrugs, grins. "We'll be quiet. No one will ever know."_

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This chapter's music:

"Lover is Childlike" - the Low Anthem


	4. Nothing Left to Say

_Lawli: Sorry the chapters are so short. But... I did kind of warn you they would be. ^^_

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_**Minutes Per Heartbeat**_

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**_IV.  
Nothing Left to Say  
_**_"Below my soul  
I feel an engine  
Collapsing as it sees the pain."_

Everyone tells him it's going to be fine. Fine, fine, all fine. As if his body isn't a ticking time bomb, as if he doesn't have _daysminutesseconds_ until his heart decides to give up on him and he shuts down. There's hope, they tell him; there's always hope. There will be an organ donor, there will be a match, there will be another chance and –

No, no, _no! _He doesn't believe them, not one word, because how long do people stay on those waiting lists – how many people _die _waiting? He doesn't want to be one of them, he can't be one of them because he's only seventeen, his life hasn't even started yet so how can it be ending already. He can't spend every day with fraying nerves wondering if today will be it, he _can't_. If that is his future he doesn't want it; he'd rather they kill him now and save the time, the money, and it's not like anyone else will care, it's not like anyone will fight for him to stay alive or grieve when he inevitably doesn't.

"It's going to be fine," Dr. Croomy assures him. "We'll start you on some Digoxin and that should help with your symptoms."

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**This chapter's music:**

**"Nothing Left to Say" - Imagine Dragons**


	5. Chinter's Will

_Lawli: To make up for it, here's two chapters! :)_

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_**Minutes Per Heartbeat**_

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**V.  
Chinter's Will**_  
__'Cool breeze over my skin  
__Floating above the ground  
__A sight I've never seen  
__And there's no one to make a sound"_

_There's a real bridge not far away from the stream, with two tunnels. At one point they must have been connected to a railway, but now they seem only a refuge for graffiti artists and homeless beggars in need of a place to sleep. Sometimes Suzaku likes to explore the tunnels, read the messages left behind on the stone walls and pretend he's a part of something important – some kind of revolution, and these are the secret codes left to him by his brothers-in-arms. In the flickering light he runs his hands over the chipped paint and breathes in the damp smell. _

_And lately Lelouch is there with him, but he's different than Suzaku has ever remembered seeing him. Not in a chair and not with the traces of baby fat in his cheeks, but standing tall beside Suzaku, all sharp cheekbones and smirking lips. Suzaku is bigger too, his teenage self, even though he hasn't been to this place in ten years._

_Lelouch translates the graffiti effortlessly, making sense of every curling line and angle and Suzaku thinks it's breathtaking to watch his mind work. Lelouch is so smart. _

_"They've surrendered," Lelouch says, and how sad that the revolution was so short-lived. "Nothing left to fight for." He places his hand against the wall of the west tunnel. "You can see the paint's faded. It's been a while since they've used this place."_

_Suzaku frowns and kicks at the dirt beneath his shoe. Lelouch turns back to him and there's the beautiful halo of a sunset surrounding him. Purples and oranges and yellows and Suzaku's heart aches with the desire to reach out. A sharp, stinging pain as his hands grasp Lelouch's shoulders and their lips meet._

_"We'll give it a new purpose," Lelouch promises, and Suzaku is on the floor now, writhing, because his heart really might burst. It's not a pleasant feeling anymore, and Lelouch isn't smiling, his lips are curved up wickedly as the setting sun bleeds red around him._

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**This chapter's music:**

**"Chinter's Will" - Klaypex**


End file.
